I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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