Moan for me like Helen Keller
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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