Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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