Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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