did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Randomize
