My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I will pee on everything he values.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
