Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
