if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
