I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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