I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
