Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
