Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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