dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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