If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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