My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
