Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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