i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
