What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
