Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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