Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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