I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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