i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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