Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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