So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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