I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Randomize
