i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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