and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
