so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
