he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
