A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
