the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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