I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
