They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
