I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
