don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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