im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
