Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
