my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Everclear isn't food dammit
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
