Someone shit on the floor
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
