I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
