I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
