I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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