Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
