Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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