And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
