sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
