Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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