i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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