He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
