shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
